My job

…

makes me feel an empty space into my stomach each and every time I’m under pressure.

The nothingness sets itself in the middle of my chest and grows and grows until it embraces my throat.

I try to fill it with fast food and good wine and watching stupid shows on TV, but it just stays there and drives me mad.

Sometimes it makes me wake up during the night and run through my to do list for the next day. Sometimes, during my half awaken sleep, I go on prioritizing my work day to come. In my head, I’m always picturing the discussions / fights / negotiations I’ll be having with assistants / clients / managers, I’m already developing my point, I’m choosing my words and repeating my speech.

Rather than making love to my boyfriend, rather than counting sheep or dreaming of “and they lived happily ever after”, rather than finally fucking allowing myself to be fucking happy, carefree and serene, I keep on tormenting myself about things like : balance sheets (and, oh, very important, off-balance sheet items), P&L (you who do not know what this stands for – how much I envy you !), statutory auditors’ report, leads, IAS 32-39 (just don’t ask ; I wouldn’t know what to say anyways, even if I do teach financial instruments to junior assistants).

What an exciting life, right ?

Anyways, two weeks ago, I started having trouble breathing (especially at work). It feels like I’m not having enough air. It’s really tiring and awkward for everyone (friends and colleagues). Everyone tells me I’m a total mess and gives me pitiful looks.

That first evening, when I got back home, I had a panic attack (or a stress / exhaustion / fright attack). And I really got scared (of dying).

My father says : when 2 people tell you that you’re drunk, you should go to bed.

Should I just quit my job then ?