How to Walk in High Heels, by Camilla Morton – part two: Knowledge

OK, so what did I learn out of this? And did my walking in high heels improve, as advertised?

A program in 41 points (now you understand why it took me so long to finish the damn book!):

1. How to Be Stylish: First a mood must be established (scented candles are essential). Then the obvious must be accepted: a woman can't be ready in less than twenty minutes. Men should never rush women up: you can’t hurry … the Hermes Birkin bag waiting list so why try to hurry a vision of loveliness?

2. How to Pick a Shoe: A good heel picks you. Good shoes are expensive (You have to spend money to make money).

3. How to Walk in High Heels: Supermarket aisles are the perfect place to practice walking in high heels (the trolley is the ultimate stabilizer for the novice stiletto wearer).

4. How to Be Groomed: Pedicure feet and manicure hands at least once a month and go see a chiropodist every six months. Get a bikini & underarm wax every 2-3 weeks. Get a legs wax every 3-4 weeks. Get a lip wax every month. Have a salon facial every 6 weeks. Join a gym.

5. How to Enhance Your Assets: Underwear is the key.

6. How to Look like You've Just Stepped Out of a Salon: Love your hair.

7. How to Deal with Bad Hair Days: Wear a hat!

8. How to Wear a Hat: With confidence, with nonchalance, with humor, with drama, with frequency …

9. How to Have Perfect Vision: Wear contact lenses and get your eyebrows reshaped (once a month).

10. How to Deal with Unpleasant Situations: For avoiding flu fast and fashionably, stay away from people with flu. If you are in a concert and have to use the public toilets, try to sneak up to the VIP section; if it doesn’t work, you will have to use the public facilities; take a deep breath, open the door, and do not breath in; touch nothing; after you’re done, pretend it never happened.

11. How to Perform: Be astrologically in tune (as a Capricorn, I should like to dress casually – until it’s time to shine in the spotlight). Learn to tango and be prepared to meet the Queen (should you be invited to a garden party at the Buckingham Palace, you should know what to do).

12. How to Understand Politics: Not a very bad chapter actually, but mostly applies to the UK.

13. How to Play Games: If you want to learn how to play poker, to place a bet, or to play chess, this is the right chapter for you.

14. How to be filled with the Sound of Music: Not exactly my kind of music, so I will not go there (trust me, it’s safer!).

15. How to Be an Art Lover: Start by learning the history, and move up to the contemporaries.

16. How to Appreciate Art and Where to Start: basically the same as point 15.

17. How to Have Good Manners: Yawning and blowing your nose in public is not polite. You should always complain with class (be very friendly and talk with a slow, low voice). Don’t speak with your mouth full. Keep an eye on your lipstick (it shouldn’t end on your teeth). Always offer to go Dutch; hopefully they will refuse.

18. How to Deal with Affairs of the Heart: lines not to fall for (this is actually funny)

Let’s just be friends – impossible if they broke your heart

I value our friendship too much to date you – bastard! They don’t love you, never have, don’t even find you attractive. Move on.

I love you, but I can’t be with you – a coward! Walk away.

19. How to Wear an Apron with Style: Buy ready-made meals. Cook in microwave and lay on your best plates. Bin all evidence.

20. How to Poach an Egg: really boring.

21. How to Have Good Table Manners: Decorate your table with taste. Learn how to use a knife, fork, spoon, chopsticks, your fingers, a napkin. Appreciate wine and champagne.

22. How to Love Your Computer: this might be useful for an 80 years old grandma, but is pointless for anyone younger.

23. How to Climb the Career Ladder: Behave professionally. Try to look very busy doing nothing. Always have a few documents open on screen in case you get caught surfing the web in the office. Very important: resign when your job has become too unbearable!

24. How to Juggle Gadgets and Gizmos: Buy an iPhone and a Blackberry.

25. How to Compile Your Own Soundtrack: basically the same as point 14.

26. How to Take a Decent Picture: Always try to make it fun.

27. How to Look Good in a Photo: Always have your mouth slightly open as this will make your lips look fuller. Delete any evidence of a less than perfect photo.

28. How to Set Off Your Square Eyes: about using a TV set; basically the same as point 22.

29. How to Buy a House: decoding property descriptions is very important

Recently refurbished = the previous furniture was so God-awful they had to hire new sofas to sell the pad

Rare opportunity = too weird for words

In need of modernization = installing electricity wouldn’t be a bad idea

Charming = it’s nice for your granny

Open plan = all the walls have fallen down

In need of cosmetic attention = needs a miracle

30. How to Handle Mains and Mice: about finding the electrics mains, opening a plug, changing a fuse or a light bulb.

31. How to Be Handy Ma'am: about painting the walls, assembling Ikea furniture, using the dishwasher, etc.

32. How to Knit One Purl One, Wash, and Sauna: I would like to dedicate this chapter to my good friend CD – the knitting goddess (pointless for anyone else)

33. How to Talk to Your Tailor: Do not feel intimidated, be strong-minded and tell them what you want.

34. How to Iron the Blues Away: only adapted to Monica (Friends character) types (Gogule – you’re the one I’m talking about)

35. How to Be a Green-fingered Goddess: do you know anyone having a garden in Paris? I don’t!

36. How to Get the Best from Your Blooms: Seasonal flowers are always the best buy.

37. How to Get the Travel Bug: The only real way to find inspiration is to get out there, see it and experience it.

38. How to Be Inspired -- Gorgeous Places to Go To: Apparently, Yorkshire (?) is the most inspiring place ever.

39. How to Pack: Ask Plorina to help you!

40. How to Prevent Motoring Horrors: Clearly a car was designed for a woman: there are mirrors everywhere! Red lights are deliberately timed to give you enough of a pause to freshen up your lipstick.

41. How to Stay in Credit: Heels and taxis are economic (when looking good and being on time, you are more successful).

This is it! This is what I spent a month of my life on. I really should have started working on my CFA exam instead. If you want to borrow the book, it’s yours! I want it out! And no, I didn't get better in walking in high heels :(